I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
