I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
