he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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