My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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