What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
