Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
