shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
