I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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