What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
