if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
