If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
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she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
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You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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