Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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