You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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