Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
