I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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