my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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