Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
