I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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