Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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