I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
