so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
