How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
