Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
