I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
