I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
