Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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