I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
