1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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