i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
