Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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