Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
