Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
