my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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