I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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