I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
