I'm eating all of the evidence.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Randomize
