There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
