Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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