I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
