Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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