A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
