I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Sober January is a disaster.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
They have beer where we have blood.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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