I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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