You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
