You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
