No stitches, just platelets and will power
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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