I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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