Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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