Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
