oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
