I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
