I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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