You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
