You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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