How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
