What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
