I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
