his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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