chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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