i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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