She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
