cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
