Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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