The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
