mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
