I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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