Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
